Why did I become an Independent Wedding and Funeral Celebrant

It was while I was in India working as a freelance producer on a TV cookery show that the thought of jacking it all in and training to be a celebrant first came to me.  It was stiflingly hot; our huge crew were exhausted and irritable from long days of travelling in a chaotic bus along hazardous and precarious roads and we’d found ourselves high up in the mountains of central India in the tea plantations for our next shoot.  We were working up a recipe, self-penned by said presenters, which involved prawns.  Given we were about as far away from the sea as its geographically possible to be, the task of sourcing them was a tall one.  

And it fell to me.  

As I searched, at times seemingly pointlessly, around the dusty, tiny local village shops cloaked in darkness to keep the heat at bay, selling anything and everything – apart from the coy crustaceans – I wondered what previous events in my life had led me here - and what on earth was I doing!  After what seemed like hours a miracle happened – we heard word of a man a village away who had frozen prawns – yes frozen prawns, in a freezer, in a village, in the tea plantations of India! Joy! Ecstatically the fixer and I swift made our way to the shop, hastily purchased them (in case of a rush on) and took them back to  the team, thrilled at our good fortune.

Were these prawns met with similar exhilaration – no they were not.  I was publicly yelled at and berated in front of the entire team for the prawns not being … fresh.  

And as I stood there utterly mortified, embarrassed and – let’s face it -furious, I thought nope, what on earth am I doing working like crazy and totally undervalued – I’m outta here.  Going it alone.

But taking the plunge into a big life change didn’t come immediately.  As a mum of two young children I needed the security of regular work and so I clung to my TV career for a few years after that as I do any bar of chocolate – with a vice like grip - and actually worked on some great documentaries over the next few years.  A highlight for me as a music lover was a Rolling Stones documentary.  Meeting the delightful Ronnie Wood in his art studio was tremendous fun and neither he, nor I, discussed prawns.  

Yet there was always this ‘what if’ gnawing away at me.  Life in TV production isn’t glamorous.  Long hours jumping from one company to the next, as a freelancer never really feeling like you “belong” anywhere – which suited me for a while but began to frustrate towards the end – and working long, thankless hours trying to keep all the plates spinning without any recognition whatsoever – the Creatives got all that, but that’s a whole blog in itself ☺  

And so, with the kids a little older and finding myself exhausted from working tirelessly on a gruelling and challenging ‘Me Too’ themed documentary feeling utterly unsupported and done in, I finally quit.  

After a few weeks of “self-reflection” (sitting on the sofa bingeing true crime documentaries) and “self-care” ( sitting on the sofa bingeing true crime documentaries and chocolate)  I decided it was time to follow that dream I’d had so long ago in a prawn-less Indian village and set about researching courses through which I could train and realise it. 

My initial training was as a wedding celebrant.  I didn’t even consider funerals – I mean they’re depressing right? (answer - not necessarily no, more on that later) and as the training was online it suited me perfectly, being able to “BE THERE” for my kids for the first time in forever (who were thrilled) and to doggedly maintain my commitment to “self-reflection” and “self-care”.  I passed the course (hoorah!) and set about creating a website and doing all the self-promotion stuff (a version of the “self-“genre which eschews chocolate and TV since you don’t get much done, apparently)  we were told to do on “The Socials”.  I’ve had fair to middling success navigating social media and to this day Instagram remains an utter mystery to me. Which is probably unequivocal to anyone who visits my pages. 

Weddings are great of course – happy, joyous, love and laughter filled occasions.  But I found myself also being drawn to the funeral side of things too, and not long after completing my wedding training I began studying to be a funeral celebrant.   Again I LOVED the training and found I was entering a whole new world chock-full of the most incredible people from all walks of life and backgrounds.   Thankfully I passed that course too (double hoorah!) and since my website and socials were already largely set up (allowing for a few additions and tweaks) I excitedly threw myself into the world of a Being a Celebrant and I’ve not looked back.

But what IS a Celebrant. What is it about this role that so appealed to me?  Why would anyone want to do it?  When I completed my training, I was surprised by how many people I knew didn’t know what it was I was doing (and not necessarily for the first time).  Collins Dictionary says a Celebrant is “A person who performs or takes part in a religious ceremony”.   The Cambridge dictionary describes us as “A priest who leads a religious ceremony, or a person who leads a ceremony such as a marriage or a funeral”

WRONG

Anachronistic and with a whiff of misogyny these definitions are so far wide off the mark I’m in half a mind to contact them and set them right (depending on what’s the telly) I’d have run a mile in the other direction were this the case. 

As an independent celebrant I can incorporate some form of religious ritual if it’s important to a couple (a Humanist celebrant wouldn’t just fyi) but a celebrant is SO much more.  At a glance, you could consider that a celebrant is the person who “officiates” a wedding or a funeral; the person who writes the script for a wedding or a eulogy for a funeral and who pulls everything together to make sure the ceremony runs smoothly on the day.  But to me, and I know to many of my celebrant colleagues, it is so very much more than that. 

It is being a support, a guiding hand and a non-judgmental friend; a therapist, a listener and facilitator; an advocate, a champion and cheer leader.  

When you think about it, we are as close as its possible to be (outside of family and friends) to what is often the most monumentally profound day in someone’s life.  Both wedding and funeral ceremonies require working on a level of intimacy and trust with a couple or a family that is hard to place in many other walks of life.  We are holding our clients in a safe and trusting space with the promise of support and guidance. 

My wedding clients find the whole process joyful and exciting of course, but also nerve wracking, and I often find myself being a bit of a shoulder not necessarily to cry on but to sound off to.  I tend to find that I don’t just leave it at the initial meeting and questionnaire, but I often get more involved in getting to know them and with the case of one of my latest couples go on a venue visit and dog walks and even a dinner to get to know them better.  They are great fun. 

I love it – who wouldn’t? One of the things I loved about my freelance TV career was meeting so many different people from all over the world. Because people come fully laden with stories to tell and who doesn’t love to hear a good story.  

And perhaps for me that’s where the root of my wanting to be a celebrant lies - being in the unique position of having been gifted the opportunity to hear and to share the story of a love or of a life and to do so with respect and humanity.    Working in the funeral world has been an extraordinary and, with utmost sincerity, a profoundly life changing experience for me.  Being invited into the home of people lost in the grief of bereavement is a huge honour and one I never take for granted.  Spending time listening to stories and getting a sense of a person I will never meet is an intimate process.  Often its extraordinarily difficult, understandably, as they struggle to find any sense or reason to these strange times.  But often too it can heart-warming as the reality of the huge loss they’re enduring momentarily disappears and they recount happier times and memories.   I mentioned earlier that funerals don’t have to be depressing and its true.   Many are happy occasions, celebrations full of gratitude.  And at almost every funeral I’ve been involved in the sense of relief when it’s over has been palpable – because as well as feeling the loss it is daunting and scary and overwhelming to wear your grief so publicly.

Holding a safe space and being entrusted to do so is a privilege. 

So, I love being a Celebrant for all of these reasons and more, for all of the gifts it gives me in so many shapes and forms.  I love being a Celebrant because I genuinely love people.  And just maybe because I have never, not ever, been asked to provide prawns.